In the Winter of War...

I'm here. I'm okay. I'm still recovering, hidden away from the world, though I suppose that last part is never going to change. Everything's okay. It'll just take time. To everyone: I'm just so... so sorry. So damn sorry... For everything.

It should have been me. Not Percy. Not some innocent. He was just trying to help. Dammit, it should have been me.

So, I have decided discretion is the better part of valor and I've gotten out of the country for now. Just up to Scotland, but from here I think I might go somewhere else and -not- announce it for the whole wizarding world to read. I just needed to celebrate that I got out scot free and all. I wish I'd managed to do a bit more damage before I went.

To those looking? Come and try. I'm out of your back yard. I value my life too much to stick around with your bloody bloodhounds on the march and everyone wanting blood. Have the boils gone away yet? I wasn't certain how long that mix was going to work. I'm both relieved and a bit sad it was not lethal.

[Hexed Private to Order, Ron, Ginny & Percy]

You know where you can find me. I just want to throw them off the trail a bit more. I would travel, but I'm enough of a mess right now.

Oh, thank you all for the lovely wedding gifts. It really was a wonderful holiday break. I wish we could do it more, even if it was quiet.

Just think everyone. Next year, there will be a new Weasley running around the house for the holidays. Or, well, maybe not running yet. Cooing around the house?

Huh. Finally, officially on the kill on sight list. Decreed by the Minister of Magic and all. I almost feel proud. I think I'd be a lot prouder if I still wasn't ready to puke in someone's shoes. Really, this bug can go away any day now.

Still, fancy to see your own name in big bold letters out there like that. I'm an All Grown Up! Outlaw now.

Ugh, I feel like shite. Bloody winter, the weather changes and everyone gets sick. Is something going around? I'd say I'm hung over, but I haven't drank (not seriously at least) for at least ten days. Maybe I should go GET drunk and then I'd forget I feel like shite.

Bloody winter.

(Hexed Private to Order)

Seriously, I feel horrible! I swear, if one of you gave me something, I'll hex you into next week. Anyone a good hand with pepper up potion?

(OOC: If you wish to be able to break this hex, feel free. Tonks isn't in her right mind and isn't up to performing effective magic at the moment.)

She's dead... she's dead. Oh god, what have I done? I didn't think sleeping draught could be fatal. I think I gave her too much. I only gave her three portions, I wanted her to sleep through the weekend. Oh god, oh god... she's dead. I don't know what to do...

( Cut for language. Rated-R. )

Being on the run from the law, that is. I thought it would be worse, and granted I can't leave the country -- the bloody idiots actually have the boarder tied up damn well -- but otherwise it's not so horrid. Got my own apartment, my own job, still my own life, even if it's with a different face! I feel bad for the sods that can't change themselves, but there's potions for it too. Now, if only we could manage to get the idiots out of power so disguises weren't all the rage of the year.

Rather sorry I missed the fifth of November this year. We should have thrown a party. Or something, you know.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November. Shame it was nearly forgotten. I suppose we'll have to throw a memorial twice as big next year. Unless things change.

I'm getting restless. Let's start planning another operation. Where do you think we could really hit them the hardest? What about records keeping? If we could destroy the records of who is half blooded, muggle born or not, maybe we could get a start on cleaning people up? And we could also steal some paper work to make up a few more fake IDs to get people out of the country.

Who wants to break into the department of records with me? I think we can do it.

Also, I want to go to the first Quidditch game of the season. I need a night out. I'll go in disguise of course. Anyone else up for it?

I hate them. Dirty, grubby hands, bad breath, cocky attitude. The bad boys of the wizarding community who think they're hot shite because they team up in the back room of the Hogs Head and plot who they can bully next. It's like they never left Hogwarts, but just because they've got some purity in their blood and power at their hands they can forever torture those beneath them. Hell, I suppose that's what it IS like, but I don't have to enjoy it. I just have to sit and listen, to smile at them, to pretend that serving them is the highlight of my day. Maybe tomorrow they'll utter the one bit of information we need for a mission. Maybe tomorrow they'll slip up and I'll catch them dead cold. A few less dark wizards, who'd ever notice, right?

But that's tomorrow, not tonight. Tonight, I have to wash it all off, forget the evening, forget the smiles and the lies and the flirtations. I can come home and be me, even if just for a few hours. I promised I'd patrol tonight. I told Sirius I'd do it, and I want to. Those few hours an evening working for the Order of the Phoenix are the only minutes in a day I can be myself. And I want to be myself. I want to be that little girl who changed faces for fun, not to lie to the world. I want to see my father smile again some day.

Damn, if wishes were horses, we all would ride, right?

( I've this creeping suspicion that things here are not as they seem... )